So…… I have spent days running around for all the school supplies listed for my kids.  I have a 5 year old boy, he’s headed for kindergarten.  I have an 8 year old girl, she is headed for 3rd grade.  Between the two of them there is a bucket full of supplies.  But the supplies are not really my concern.  I know that they will have every single thing on that list.  The list is so easy in some ways.

It’s the other list I worry about, the unpublished one.  The list of expectations for my kids that I don’t know about, or maybe I have an idea about, but the kids will be blindsided by.  I have intimate knowledge of the list on some levels, because I teach and have been doing so for a long time.  You would think I know the secret.  The truth is I don’t.  I am not being an over anxious helicopter mom.  I worry.

I worry that my son will hug everyone, and not understand that some kids aren’t comfortable with that.  He will take it personally.  He will think that someone doesn’t like him.  He won’t understand that it’s about personal space and boundaries.

I worry that my daughter will hear her teacher say that she is not paying attention, unfocused, or distracted.  I KNOW my daughter will be all those things.  She has ADHD, she does struggle with all of those things.  When she hears them though, she thinks the teacher doesn’t like her, isn’t her friend, or likes the other kids better.

In second grade, her teacher told me she was “unmotivated.”  I still get teary, sad, and Mama Bear angry every time I consider that.  I want to growl and lash out.  There is nothing “unmotivated” about her.  The struggle is capturing her enthusiasm for the task you are presenting to her.  It is possible that the task she is completely engaged in, is inside her head.

There are many unspoken items on the unpublished list:

1.  Brands of clothing, sneakers and supplies.
2. Acceptable reactions to other kids.
3. Participation in athletics, groups, and activities.  Yes as early at Kindergarten.  Even parent’s activities count.
4. Location of your house, size of it, and your occupation.
5. How involved you can be in school activities.
6. What is packed in the lunch bag, or if you are buying lunch.
7. Keep in Mind that snacking is a serious business, there will be written rules for this.  Don’t mess up, your kids will tell you all about it.
8. The bus—-what your kids say, do, and who they sit with.

The pressure is excruciating.  This is a really small list with very little embellishment.  I can’t tell you how many awkward situations I have felt or even created unknowingly.

I have found with my daughter that talking to her about everything in a relaxed way is the most enlightening.  Both my kids like to “unload” in three places.  The first place is the car, I can’t believe the things they will tell me when they are riding along back there enjoying the scenery.  The second place is the kitchen, peeling potatoes inspires a conversation for everyone at our house.  The final place, and probably most revealing, is when we are doing our night time ritual, they are tucked and snuggled, and all the days wonderings escape their lips.

I don’t know what they will face on any given day, but I try to give them opportunities to share with me.  I have concerns, I do sometimes channel my own version of “crazy Mom.”  I admit it.  I want my kids to be safe and healthy at school, physically and emotionally.  I don’t care which parts of the unwritten list they get, understand, or miss, as long as they are safe and healthy.